How Artists of Loose Morals Might Exploit the Super Snake

Saw this article this morning, and it got me thinking. (What especially got me thinking was the hyperbolic headline.) All over Hollywood, hack screenwriters must be trying to figure out how they can surreptitiously adapt Anaconda to the Miami-Dade hinterlands. Cue Jon Voight: “The Everglades can keel you in a thousand ways…” Would that be awesome or what? I want Super Snakes rampaging through Fort Lauderdale (Broward County, I know, but imagine the Spring Break scenes!) or South Beach. And I want Jon Voight in it as a crusty airboat tour guide who stumbles upon the mother of all Super Snakes. Maybe he could even bring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube along for the ride, as ecological dreamers out to stop the poaching of alligators (although he has a secret past, since when he was in college he and a bunch of drunken fraternity brothers set an African rock python loose, which started the whole mess; he’ll have to die at some point to expiate this Original Plot-Generating Sin…). The Super Bowl should be involved, too, and probably a hurricane. That’s what I want.

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